The (Honest) Nicene Creed

The Nicene Creed is the Catholic statement of faith which was retained by the Lutheran Protestants and just about all of their 38,000 offshoots.



I offer this honest version for people who purport to follow a god of truth and so can be assumed to want a creed that is factually correct. 



My helpful insertions are in red.

[Because I was labelled 'Christian' by my parents when I was too young to have a say] I believe in God the Father Almighty [who some primitive and scientifically illiterate people claim was the] creator of Heaven and Earth and in Jesus Christ [who early Christians claimed to be] his only son, who [,according to some accounts and in line with traditional claims of parthenogenic births for human manifestations of gods at the time] was born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate [but no records were made], was crucified [on two different days if you read the later accounts], dead and buried. On the third day [it is claimed by his followers but no one else that] he rose again from the dead [,though the accounts are muddled, confused and implausible and the only alleged witnesses didn't seem to be convinced by it,] and [,so some of his later biographers report, though they disagree where and when,] ascended into [a notional place called] Heaven and sitteth on the right hand of [a notional and purely hypothetica] God the Father [who is also alleged to be the same person who is sitting on his own right hand]. From thence [so his followers hope] he will come to judge the quick and the dead [and kill everyone who disagrees with us so we can have everything for ourselves]. And in the Holy Ghost [who is also 'God the Father' and 'Jesus Christ' but doesn't seem to be very important in this triple-headed god].



I believe in the Holy Catholic Church [though not the Roman version if I'm not a Catholic, obviously], the communion of saints [whatever that means and it's definitely nothing to do with communism] and the life ever lasting [though I know I'm going to die like other people but it's nice to pretend I'm not]. Amen [,which is a magic word we say to make everything we've just said true, like putting 'Fact!' at the end of a tweet we're not at all sure about - not that there is any doubt, mind you!].